I moved to LA two years ago and I wish I could tell you that people in this city aren’t as strikingly similar to how they are portrayed on television but we’re friends, so I won’t do that to you. LA people are just as vegan and gluten free and into yogalates as you could ever dream. I kind of love it. People are so true to their fake selves that it just reaffirms your faith in the fact that you can be anybody you want to be! That is, if you have enough money and a great plastic surgeon.
Disclaimer: you do stumble upon great people in this amazing city, they’re just not nearly as entertaining to make fun of so they won’t be mentioned in this list.
1. Your hairdresser who apparently styles for “Hollywood’s elite”
Calm down Ricardo, you work at Super Cuts.
2. Your old sorority sister that keeps hitting you up on Facebook messenger
I didn’t like you when we were in kappa kappa alfalfa sprouts, I sure as hell don’t like you now, Bethany.
3. Your Uber Driver
I’m pretty sure 99% of them are looking to get paid to receive a therapy session. “Well good morning, how’s your day going? Did you know my pet Chihuahua has a rare type of dog cancer and my second cousin who went to veterinary school for 4 months can’t save her? I’m just driving uber because I like to meet the people. It’s so nice to learn about other peoples lives…but I think my wife’s about to leave me. Do you know what I did wrong?”
4. The aspiring actor/singer/model/dancer/magician
They came here to make it big. They were “bus rider #1” in a show on the CW and won’t shut up about it. They were also your uber driver.
5. The exercise fanatic
4:30 am- run, 5:30- arrive SoulCycle, 6-12pm- cycles soul, 12:30- eats 3 almonds, 12:45-6:00- rides elliptical, 6-8pm- sunset yoga, 9pm- writes a detailed Instagram post telling you “it’s just so easy to stay fit when you love what you do and have no job and 0% body fat”.
6. The Instagram model
Hot bod. Semi-professional Photoshop skills. Her bio says she’s part of an agency but you’re beginning to doubt that since every time you hang out you get covered in sand taking upwards of 6,000 photos of this chick on the beach.
7. The wannabe surfer
Posts lots of pictures of them holding a surfboard. Has every piece of gear required. Is absolutely terrified of the ocean and has never caught a wave. Everything is “so gnarly, brah”.
8.The rich kid that is “so over it”
When I see a celebrity I freak TF out. When these people see a celebrity they say, “weird, Kim said she was going to the beach club today”. They’ve exhausted all the gluten free, raw vegan, no GMO, no calorie, no carb, no taste, no ugly people stores and are just “so over all these basic LA people”.
9. That person you have listed in your phone as First name: John, Last Name: “Networking”
You met at a social event for aspiring entrepreneurs and he seems like he may have slightly more of a clue than you do about how to get your business idea off the ground. Your friendship hasn’t extended beyond LinkedIn.
10. The Juice Crafter TM
There are an overwhelming number of stores in LA that sell exclusively overpriced juice. I honestly haven’t figured out how there’s a market that supports so many brands of $12 pureed grass. Chances are your friend works at one of these places and will tell you about the health benefits of chia and kale especially when you don’t ask.